in oldies

Mushroom Trip

In the beginning, there was nothing. Out of this nothingness, the great Nintendo fabricated an ethereal silicon, and from this silicon the brothers One and Zero. One and Zero represent the duality composing every aspect of the universe, from sprite to intelligence. This was not enough to please Nintendo though, so he commanded his most talented underling, Miyamoto, to create an environment within this void. Miyamoto pondered this task, and eventually decided to manipulate One and Zero into an endless tower. Upon completion, Miyamoto was most satisfied with his work, having both impossibly finished something without end, and building a structure capable of supporting its own infinite weight.

Despite these accomplishments, Nintendo was unsatisfied, and commanded Miyamoto to populate the tower with life. Miyamoto again masterfully aligned One and Zero until they produced an ape he named Donkey Kong and a collection of barrels for him to play with. Nintendo was still unimpressed, so Miyamoto fashioned a man he named Mario, and a hammer for him to play with. He then created a woman he named Pauline. The three lived in the endless tower for a time, until Donkey Kong and Mario began to fight over Pauline. The dispute escalated until Donkey Kong kidnapped Pauline, and fled up the tower, throwing his barrels down at Mario below. Mario futilely gave chase with his hammer, his pursuit as endless as the great tower.

Miyamoto was upset by the behavior of his creations, but Nintendo was pleased. Nintendo commanded Miyamoto to create an entire world for them to live in, as vast as the available ethereal silicon could sustain. Miyamoto obliged, but decided to punish his original creations for their quarrel in the most original mythological manner conceivable – a flood. He wielded One and Zero until a sea of pixilated blue crashed into the great tower from one side, causing the structure to buckle and fall to the ground. So massive was the tower that its floors became the landscape of the newborn world. The huge supporting columns plunged beneath the ground, forming a vast network of plumbing that drained away almost all of the flood water. Miyamoto reordered One and Zero within Donkey Kong’s barrels, granting them individual intelligence and the forms of all of the life present today, from goombas to shy guys.

Mario’s hammer sank far into the deep, was sucked into the pipes, and deposited far within the underworld. Mario’s ill intent toward Donkey Kong still clung to its grip, and after centuries of the immense pressure at such depth, One and Zero realigned within it to form the supreme evil in the world – Bowser, King of the Koopas. Bowser spawned seven children, Iggy, Larry, Lemmy, Ludwig, Morton, Roy, and Wendy, and together they attacked the Mushroom Kingdom in one of the many Koopa Wars, claiming the lives of countless Koopas and fungi alike.
Donkey Kong, Mario, and Pauline survived the flood by clinging to Donkey Kong’s barrels.

Miyamoto was not through punishing them, though. He converted Donkey Kong into Mario’s brother, Luigi, who would be forever in his brother’s shadow. He was kinder to Pauline, for she was an accessory in the quarrel. She was made ruling Princess of the Mushroom Kingdom, which lived peacefully and prosperously for the centuries before the fury of King Koopa’s rise to power. Finally, Mario was given the harshest punishment of all. The One and Zero within him that granted him intelligence were stripped. Instead, he was made a mere vehicle for the intents of the beings beyond the ethereal silicon to manipulate for their own amusement. Forced to only observe and feel his existence instead of live it, Mario was cursed to live and die a million useless lives, having his frame endlessly consumed in fiery lava, devoured by ravenous chomp chomps, crushed by massive thwomps, and torn apart by unwieldy bob-omb’s, all to the glee and entertainment of unseen masses, and all to the high satisfaction of Nintendo.

Since then, this is how the world has remained. While Nintendo and Miyamoto have occasionally added new beings and places, the Mushroom Kingdom has always been a beautiful land defined by its delicate balance between good and evil, Zero and One.